Thursday, October 1, 2009

Dear Joe,

We work together. That is our relationship. You will not speak to me like you did today ever again. That will not be tolerated, and if you ever speak to me like that again there will be actions taken via the appropriate work channels. I am hoping that my desk will be moved, or yours will be moved. I think you need to sit among men. I am not a child, most definitely not one of your children, and will not be spoken to as though I am. I am a human being, equal to you, if not better than, and you will not treat me as though I were not. I have had my share of abuse, have dealt with enough abusive people, and have to everyday just through our job, that I will not take it from a co-worker who has no greater authority than I and no reason to treat me badly.

I look forward to your cooperation in this matter.

Thank you,

Heidi

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Poetry break...

Even if I break the mirror
It doesn't change my face
Or what I see behind my eyes
No fire escape

Treading water among the sharks
Eating me alive
And I know it's in my head
But still I'm drowning
Can't keep myself afloat
Can't believe in what I see
Because you can't see the memories
Can't hear the voice I hear
Always reminding me
Never free

The jungle path to safety
I avoid it
The barren dusty road I walk
I can see for miles-
No shoes will ever feel better
Can't be anything but me
And it's all that I can do
To try to be enough for you.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Dear Sherry,

I know that it is difficult to decide between the one you love and chose to spend your life with and your blood family. You shouldn't have to. I really do not know exactly what happened to drive this wedge between our family and yours, but I wish that we could resolve it in a way that allows us all to see each other. I think Jeremy misses you, really. He tries to say he doesn't care, but I'm not sure that it's true. If it is my fault that this all happened, I apologize. I have no problem with you, really, and do not mind Diane. I accepted both of you as you are and I would hope you would do the same for us. It is sad that this happened. I hope that in the future we can see each other again. We do only live a few blocks from each other, and I even work with you, though you sit on a different floor in the building. Jeremy has made it clear that I should not try to contact you because he thinks it is up to you to come to us. The last time you came over you did say that you would make an attempt to see us, and we haven't seen you for months now. Maybe this will turn around on its own somehow. I hope so.

With love,

Heidi

Friday, September 18, 2009

Dear Jeremy,

I love you with all my heart. I love our children. I love that it is your children that I carried. I'm so glad that the crazy circumstances of my life and your life brought us together. It was a matter of perfect timing. The only reason I won't send you this letter is because I don't need to since I live with you. So read this sometime.
When I look over all these letters and read about all my former heartache it just fills me and lifts me to know that you are truly my best friend and I feel so lucky to have you. Yes, it's true, I can get frustrated with some of the day to day, and we have our moments of disagreement, but I never lose sight of how lucky I am to have you in my life. We are not perfect. No one is, so they say. But I think that you have made me better. I hope I have made you so as well. This journey that we are on now seems so positive. Before I met you I did not think that would be possible for me. Maybe it is Karma. Maybe I am blessed somehow. Or maybe it is just you.

I love you.

Forever,

Heidi

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Dear Joseph,

Sometimes I get so curious about how others spend their time and live their lives. I have always been so interested with the parts of life that I may have missed somehow or am missing. And so when I talk to people I do try to find out exactly who I am speaking with and try to see how that person is living their life. I got a glimpse of yours. I liked your energy. You are surrounded by mystery, maybe like I am, and have that desire to see what is around us that generally cannot be seen. Of course you had to ruin it at the end of the conversation, but it was going really well at first, and I found myself wanting to speak with you further in a "real" way. Speaking to others we find out about ourselves. The perspective of someone else looking at you can give you insight you would otherwise not have. If we ever speak again, which I hope we do someday (because I think there is still more to learn on both sides of the conversation), let's keep it real, shall we? Get in touch with me someday, somehow, because I have no idea how to reach you. Here maybe. Years later. Or tomorrow.

With respect to who you are,

Heidi

Monday, September 14, 2009

Dear Paula Cole,

I love your voice. Beautiful. Your songs are wonderfully written.
I especially appreciate "I Am So Ordinary" and "Me." I have listened to them over and over again, singing them as best as I can. My range and talent is not nearly in any sense as great as yours, of course. I used to listen to "I Am So Ordinary" because of someone in my life who never became a someone in my life, and I used to cry. Now I do not cry hearing it, and listen to the song reminiscing about old feelings. And "Me" is just a wonderful song that I think many people, and women in particular, can relate to.
Thank you for writing, singing and recording your songs.
Sincerely,
Heidi
Dear Julie Komorowski,

We met in college. You were my closest friend. Maybe my only friend in Iowa really. I found that I had a difficult time finding people to hang out with in Iowa. Not sure why. Maybe my expectations were too high or I was trying too hard. I just expected it to be easy because I thought that it was part of college to meet people. Many people who went to the U of IA knew people who already went there, or roomed with friends from high school. No one from my high school, no one that I knew of from Cincinnati, went to the U of IA. Anyway, you lived in the same dorm as I did and you hated your roommate, so in the second semester since my roommate moved out you moved in. I thought we lived fairly well together. I apparently did not treat you well? I don't know. When you wrote me the summer after our sophomore year and told me that you never thought of me as a good friend, I'm not sure if that was a result of the more recent circumstances or if that was always. You have no idea how much that hurt me. But that was the problem really, wasn't it? I always talked about me. I didn't, you thought, pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. You were right that I talked a lot. I do. Always have. I'm sorry that you took that as me not paying attention. I realize that when you told me you didn't think of me as a good friend, you were hurting because you thought I did not properly acknowledge what you were going through that summer. I know you were having difficulties with your boss and you were stressed. I definitely did not treat you as I should have. True, I was also going through quite a bit, but I should have acknowledged, empathized and sympathized with you. It was wrong of me to be that self absorbed and not treat you as a friend should have treated you. I know that I hurt you as well. I know that it wasn't that you just did not care. That's what I assumed at the time because I was too self absorbed to see past the end of my nose, but I know now that I hurt you. I'm sorry. The only way I really know that I hurt you as well is because when I had asked you to send back the BTE cd I got signed for you (b/c even though you said you would go to the concert with me you bailed the day of and I had to find someone else to drive all the way to Chicago with me) you sent it back scratched and broken, as well as every letter, card and note I had ever given you. The reason I asked for the CD back is because I didn't think you cared, didn't think you liked the music really, and (silliest reason of all) I thought I could make some money from selling it (because I needed money because of my ex, always - jerk). Silly, right? Again, I'm sorry.
I'm not sure we would ever truly be best friends. I was hoping that I could help you come out of your shell a bit. You were so reserved. You were embarrassed to just let loose, which I, at the time, was definitely not. It annoyed me that you were always trying to subdue me, reel me in. I realize I was probably embarrassing to you. Sad, really. I think I was exceptionally interesting at that time. I had the most life in me then. After a few years with Kenny I lost my zest for life. Also, that thing I mentioned before about the concert really bugged me. That was absolutely uncalled for; especially annoying since you went to the Silverchair concert with your friend from Chicago ignoring the reason why you told me you would not go to the BTE concert. I sometimes wish another girl had been in your place because it still hurts me to think about what happened. Maybe things would have worked out differently for me if it had been someone else with a different outlook on life. But even so, I wish we could have been better friends while we had the chance, that I would have better met your expectations of friendship, that you would have met mine.
Hope you are well.
Fondly,
Heidi

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Dear Jenny,

Ever since you came to visit afer Jonas was born and mentioned that you thought Tyson Beckford was hot I decided you need to go on some dates. That's right. It's time to get you out looking for someone to love and someone to love you. I see no reason, if you have the urge, that you should stay home instead of having some nice man take you out on a date. There has got to be some decent human being who would like to date you somewhere. If you are interested then pursue it!! It seems that you may be lonely sometimes. Do something about it! Do I need to find you a speed dating service? Have you thought about eharmony? or chemistry.com? Go, girl, go. Do it now or die an old maid! It is time to do what you need to do for yourself, to grow, to change and stop being a mean, old, lonely woman.

Seriously,

Heidi

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Dear Psychic with whom I will be speaking in the near future:

The reason I want to talk to you is because I am on a soul search. I'm trying to be reconciled with my past, leave it behind, find a new path and head out into the future with a positive outlook. A few things that have been said to me in my life have stuck out and I want to know if they are significant at all. I'm not sure if that is outside the powers of a psychic to know, but from my experience with psychics you might be able to help me figure it out. Three times in my life, though I can only recall the details of two, I have been called "angel" and it seems significant due to the circumstances surrounding those times. Another interesting comment made to me is that I'm "too much in my head." I really have no idea what it means. Did it mean simply that I think too much? that I was overthinking things? Or does it really mean that I'm living in my head and out of touch with reality? That the tangibility of things is escaping me because I am actually located in my head somewhere... Or does it mean anything at all?

When embarking on a journey it is always good to collect as much information about the terrain as possible. Thank you for your help with my research. I look forward to speaking with you.

Hello,

Heidi

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Dear Shawn Kerby,

I don't know if I ever told you this, but the day you came over to my dorm room and I saw you in person for the first time I about dropped my jaw to the floor you were so gorgeous. I was absolutely certain you would have used that information against me somehow so I tried to hide how attracted I was to you. Now I think it may have been the wrong thing to do. I tried to be a little too tough. I tried to hold it all in. Not that we would have had some grand relationship if I had acted differently, but just maybe it would have been better. That night you came over after we hadn't seen each other for a couple years - you were engaged and I was on the cusp of being unengaged - I said I loved you. Granted, I was not in my right mind. But you said you loved me too. I think you may have just said it because I did. I don't know. But if you did, I'm not sure why you would. You saying that made things worse for me emotionally. You were engaged and saying you loved me. That did not make any sense and was probably just a way to get sex on the side, I'm certain. Now I'm not sure that I ever loved you. I was infatuated from the day I met you, certainly, but love? I do remember that after you would leave my room on those few nights or mornings I would see you I would listen to "Live Again" by Better Than Ezra and cry my heart out lying curled up on the floor.

If I had acted differently the day that we met I do wonder if I would have avoided the entire Kenny era of my life, though. When I first saw Kenny he reminded me of you. It could have changed everything, really.

Anyway, I assume you are doing well. Hopefully not a coke head. A dentist. Married? Cute, tow headed, blue-eyed children? It really doesn't matter to me beyond curiosity. When I listen to "Live Again" I have no broken heart, no tears to shed for you. But I do think of you and realize how unimportant you ended up being, when, at the start, you had potential to be more so.

Hello, goodbye,

Heidi

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Dear my truest love,

Are you still out there somewhere? Did I marry you? Are my children your children?
Did I miss meeting you somehow? Is the love I feel now not as strong as what love could be? Maybe I was looking at my feet, at the ground, as you passed me by. Maybe it is best we never did meet because Romeo and Juliet's flame was squelched when their love burned too bright. Maybe we will meet later in life, when I'm close to death and my children are grown, and no one that I have ever loved is still alive. Or maybe you are here with me. Maybe you are who I see everyday. Maybe I haven't missed out on the truest love. Maybe this is like Sense and Sensibility and you are the Colonel I ignored at first because of the intense, flippant love of someone undeserving. (I never ignored you, since I met you, though, to be precise.) In that movie Hancock, the two superbeings could not be together, though their love drew them to each other, or they would die, so the woman superbeing stayed with her mortal husband whom she also loved. I do not want to die, maybe you and I are keeping each other alive. We are the truest loves that each other can have or we will die before our time - like Romeo and Juliet. So if he or she is out there for me, the truer love, then stay away! I am in love enough. I want to be alive for my children, to see them grow, and I want to accomplish more before I die as well. I will risk not being in love to the fullest degree (if that is possible for me, if there is more love than this) to keep what I have because it is more than enough.

Hello, goodbye,

Heidi

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Dear Kennith Evans,

One of the last things you said to me, over the phone, was "You really loved me, didn't you." I was crying at the moment and didn't reply. I want to reply now. No. No I did not really love you. I pitied you. I felt sorry for your place in life and what happened to you prior to our meeting. The relationship was over fairly early. I liked you enough, but not enough to endure what happened throughout the long six years we were "together." I was using you. When I met you I had spent my first semester at the University of Iowa where I had been "minorly" sexually assaulted, lost my best friend, and had my soon to be ex brother in law attempt to strangle me. I was lonely and my life felt tumultuous and I clung to your obvious admiration of me to help me feel better. The guilt I felt about using you and bringing you to Iowa where you got lost in alcoholism and drugs kept the relationship going (not that you wouldn't have been doing similar things at home considering what your friends were doing while you were away) . Then your continual push to keep me feeling guilty did not help. It was a terrible relationship. It was emotionally traumatizing and abusive. You were an awful roommate as well. You spent so much money on partying that we could barely survive, and I had to drop out of school twice simply because we ran out of money and couldn't afford our apartment. I would have been so much better off without you. I thought I could help you, though. I thought that I could help you be a better person, but of course there was nothing I could do. You were an addict. I do not care who says it is not an addictive drug, because with you it was most definitely an addiction. You are probably still doing drugs. You are probably still hardly making enough money to survive. Unless our last phone conversation actually helped. I told you to be honest, and to tell the Jehovah's Witness girlfriend who you knocked up and who had an abortion b/c of you that you did/do drugs. I wonder if you ever did, if she didn't find out first. You ruined my life for six years and it seemed like the pattern was repeating with the new girl. You called me high on coke. And of course the excuse for doing the coke was that you were stressed. There was always an excuse. I'm just glad I wasn't there to see you do it and that we were talking on the phone because I may have hit you.

You asked me to marry you when you visited me at school. I told you on the phone not to ask. I told you I did not want to be married, but you showed up a few weeks later ring in hand kneeling before me. I absolutely had no desire to marry you. None. Did not want to be engaged. Was close to breaking up with you even. I am such an idiot for feeling sorry for you and for feeling I should say yes because of what you had to go through to buy the ring for me since you had no money. I felt sorry for you because you lived in that tiny little awful town and had very little hope for the future. I felt sorry for you because you told your uncle you were going to marry "that girl" when you met me and your uncle scoffed at you because he obviously did not think very highly of you but you idolized him. You wasted the chance I gave you. You wasted the chance you had to make something good out of your life. We could have both risen above, but all you did was drag us both down. I reached rock bottom with you. I gave up on everything I believed in, I gave up on myself. At one point I wanted to die and I thought I would. I thought the depression I was in would actually kill me it hurt so badly. And that's where you wanted me. You told me that day on the phone that you were trying to sabotage my college career because you were afraid I would leave you, that you tried to keep me down because you didn't want me to leave. What a stupid, stupid, stupid person you are. I hate myself for even considering you. You kept me isolated from my family, I felt that they hated me and when I realized I needed out of this mess I thought I had no one to turn to. They didn't hate me. They hated you.

I was punished 10-fold for using you and feeling sorry for you and trying to make you my social experiment; I wanted to see if I could raise you up from the ashes. But you are no phoenix and all that I got from you was continual disappointment and disaster. You have no idea how angry I am at myself for letting it go on so long, for letting you make me give up, for letting you sabotage my college experience and for letting you destroy my life for six years. You were such an embarrassment to me. I couldn't stand to be in public with you. I couldn't stand to introduce you to people. I cannot completely understand why I let it continue so long. It was my greatest mistake.

Granted, because of you I did meet Jeremy who is a good man, a good husband, a good father and I do actually love him with all that I know of love. And I know from the experience with you that I want him with me, and that it is a good thing that I have now. And he reminds me when I again get mad at myself for being with you that he and I would have never met without you completely messing up my original desired path in life. But I won't say thank you. You owe me way too much for me to give you anything, even a thank you.

I cannot say that I hate you. I do not. But if I have to have one regret it would be that I let you control me instead of being who I know I am and getting out of the bad relationship much, much earlier - if I never met you, maybe that would really have been best. Who knows.

I hope your mother is disappointed in you. She wanted more for you as well. She wanted you to rise above.

That's it. I don't even want to sign my name.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Dear Stephenie Meyer,

Thank you for writing the Twilight series. It's really fabulous, as I'm sure you've been told multiple times. One critic indicated they are books that one would want to live in. I agree. Not sure if I'd want to be the main characters, but maybe a very good friend. I'd love to live in the world you created and witness it's magic. I forgot that I like to read until I read all four books in four days, even with a new baby and an 18 month old running around. I was tired, for certain, because I read at night mostly after my newborn had fallen asleep in my lap. Totally worth it.

Men, mostly, have apparently said it's this metaphor for chastity that is the draw for women. I'm not sure that it can be that simple. Being with someone whose first natural urge is to kill you but instead is in love with you and refuses to give in to the urge is much different than someone who refuses his urge to have sex with you; not to mention the other benefits of a vampire lover like him having super powers to protect you and eavesdrop for you as well as probably having endlessly interesting things to talk about because of living for so long and being well read, as well as being a vampire, etc... Unless, of course, men feel that women equate sex with death. I've never been that woman in particular. I find it offensive that someone would reduce it to simply being about the ability of a man to remain chaste.

I was disappointed in the movie because I felt there were poor choices made as far as putting in scenes that I felt were unnecessary and poorly written instead of using the wonderfully written scenes from the book. I do like the movie; enough of the feeling of the book is preserved and some of the acting is very good. Some other elements like lighting and scenery also help. I have a feeling the movies will improve as the series continues because there will be much less introduction into the world and more expression of it. It is fun to anticipate the progression on film. The movies make the world feel like it has been wished into existence by the readers.

I may have to dive into The Host soon.

Congratulations on your success. Thank you, again, for writing the Twilight story.

Sincerely,

Heidi



Dear Kristen Stewart,

I'm a fan. You seem very easy in the parts that you play. Not that the parts are easy for you, but that you seem naturally suited to play them. You have been well casted. Recently getting a bunch of movie channels I keep seeing In The Land of Women. I really enjoyed watching you in that role. You brought good energy and innocence to it. And it was funny to see you play the small part in Jumper. I wish it were a larger part because you deserve to be seen and heard. I plan on seeing Adventureland some time soon.

Of course I have seen Twilight. I read the books after watching the movie. It is interesting to read what people think of the movie who have read the books. It must be difficult to play a role from a book that has such a cult-like following. Everyone has their own idea of who Bella should be and look like, and if it's not the Bella you play the wrath is unleashed. I think you really made the movie. Without you playing Bella I do not think it would have been that great at all. I was disappointed in the movie, overall, honestly. I thought some of the choices made were poor, but that is not your fault. I think you really worked well within the constraints of the plot presented to you. I look forward to seeing your portrayal of Bella in New Moon. (You, Rob and Catherine were cute in the commentary on the Twilight DVD, by the way.)

I do not like to invade famous people's privacy so I tend to try to keep to the information that is less intrusive. I don't read tabloids or the gossip websites. I don't care. But from what I do gather of you, you seem down to earth overall. I hope you stay that way and that the celebrity you own will not own you. You seem like a good person and someone who would be easy to get along with. The pictures I have seen of you are lovely and I infer from them that you like to simply be yourself. I hope that it's true. And if you ever do read the comments that people write that try to cut you down I hope you ignore them. I think you are doing very well. You are a beautiful and talented girl.

Good luck in love and life.

Sincerely,

Heidi



Dear Rob Pattinson,

Are you deaf yet? I have read that the screaming fans are intolerable. I'm too old to look at you the way those girls do; too old and too much in love with my husband to think of you as anything but a handsome, talented young man. (That seems a bit grandmotherly when I write it that way, but I'm not nearly that old.) I think you are an interesting actor. You have played the role of my favorite artist and my favorite vampire. I've read a few quotes of yours and I like what you have to say fairly often. I like you, I think. It would be fun to have a conversation with you. I think your perspective is interesting and that you would have interesting and intelligent things to say.

You did well with the role of Edward in Twilight. It must be extremely difficult to fill the role of someone who is portrayed as being the most unbelievably handsome and perfect being. So many love you in the role and yet I have read the opposite as well. From what I have read of you it doesn't seem to effect you either way. But my opinion of the matter is that it really doesn't make a difference if you are attractive or not. Your role as Edward is to be the perfect being to Bella. You fill that role well. I think you were a good choice for the role and handle the part better than others would.

Unfortunately I have not been able to see you in any other role except as Cedric Diggory and as I am not obsessed with that series of books or movies in particular I have very little to comment on it. What I sense from having seen you in the two roles that I have been able to see is that you have good natural instincts about the characters you are playing and your mannerisms fit the roles. Some of your facial expressions are repeated in the two characters I have seen and even though the characters are very different the expressions were well placed. Maybe they will become your signature expressions.

So I've become a fan of yours. I love that you play piano. I envy your talent. I have never been able to learn to play and have wanted to since I was very young. Maybe not enough, I suppose. I have probably let opportunities to learn pass me by. I hope you never do. I hope you embrace every opportunity. It seems you will as much as you can, again, with the very little I know about you.

I hope to be able to see your other roles, especially as Dali, and am looking forward to seeing New Moon. And I also hope to hear more of your music whether piano, guitar or otherwise.

Good luck to you. Treat your girlfriends well. Keep ignoring what needs ignoring.

Sincerely,

Heidi


Dear Taylor Lautner,

I know even less about you than I do of Kristin Stewart or Rob Pattinson, but you're a cute kid. I haven't happened upon one of your movies as I flip through the channels on TV. I have not seen any other movie you have been in that I recall. You are maybe as talented as your co-stars in Twilight, but it was difficult to tell. Your shining moment in the movie series will come later since your role is more important in the future installments. Of course you know that. You had to pack on the muscle for the role of Jacob in New Moon, I read. Good luck dealing with the women after that. I'm sure it will become mayhem when you go anywhere. Already people who should be much too old to care are oogling you.

Be careful out there. Kid stars can get mangled in the mediated industries. It's far too easy to be destroyed by the fame. I hope you "keep it real" and are never swallowed up. Be good. Be great. Find meaning in the madness and get through to old age with some kind of sophistication and grace. Easy for me to say being no one in particular. But I suppose being a mother now I worry about everyone more than I need to.

As with your co-stars, I look forward to seeing you play your Twilight role in the future movies. It will be interesting to see you grow and change with your character.

Good luck to you. Stay cool, calm and collected. Let it be.

Sincerely,

Heidi

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Dear Joeby,

You have been in my thoughts so much lately. I think I am a bit homesick and I have been thinking of people from Cincinnati who I love. I think of you so fondly. You were such a great friend to me. I'm not sure if I ever really let you know. I remember being around you was so easy and fun. You went to the Toad concert with me, right? And I remember hanging out with you and your band. Do you still play? I remember coming back from college and I arrived home late at night. My mom was so pissed when I decided to leave and go meet you. I picked you up at work and we went to Diamonds in Dayton. Was that the last time we saw each other? I can't believe that we lost touch. It's terrible that I do not know you anymore. I hope you are doing well and you are happy.

Friends forever,

Heidi
Dear Glen Phillips:

I have loved your music since the Toad the Wet Sprocket days and have enjoyed immensely your solo career thus far. I had the chance to see Toad in concert a couple times and a couple of your solo shows. I talked to you after a solo show in St. Louis and I also talked to you after a show in Covington, KY. I am always nervous talking to you. The songs you create are so beautiful to me and so intelligently written that I feel silly saying anything. I want to let you know that I enjoy your music and I want to just have a conversation but everything has always just fallen out of my mouth in a rush of crazy. The way that you look at me indicates either that I'm scaring you or you are surprised, or maybe unsure of me and what I'm saying. Maybe you do think I'm silly. I have written letters to you before, generally via email. I think you replied once. I sent you a painting and you told me you never received it. Well, I suppose I assumed it was you who responded. Maybe it wasn't. In any case.. I didn't know then that your wife is an artist. She did the artwork for the Winter Pays for Summer album if I remember correctly. Not sure why you would want artwork from me when you have probably plenty. I just wanted to send you something beautiful, something to show you what your music has meant to me.

I was about 9 years old, maybe 10, when I first saw the video for "All I Want" on MTV. I remember going to the music store with my mom and she bought the Fear album on tape for me. I had a Sony Walkman, the one my sister left when she went to college, and played that album on a trip to Florida with the family. From Cincinnati it was about a 24 hour drive. I listened to that tape over and over and over again. I think I have listened to it so much that it is actually part of my brain chemistry somehow. I still love listening to it. Love hearing the music and love hearing your voice sing the beautiful lyrics. Love the experimentation in "Butterflies." Love the simplicity of "Nightingale Song" and also still very much love "All I Want."

I saw Toad in concert the first time in Cincinnati at a music festival. I didn't get to meet the band after the show but one of the security guards got a pick from Todd, I believe. I have a Toad scrapbook that I called "Ode to Toad" and if it wasn't stuffed away in a storage room I would go get it now and make sure what I'm saying is totally accurate. The second time I saw Toad, again in Cincinnati, it was just you guys. I forget where it was... a popular concert spot in Cincinnati, but it has been years since I have been to my hometown. Bogarts maybe? Is that right? Anyway, I met the band after the show. I hung out in the back alley with a few other fans. One guy commented about how excited I was and that he was happy to see people still get excited about rock n' roll. I was 16, I think. I was with my friend Joe Baker, "Joeby." He was so sweet to patiently wait with me, take pictures of me with each band member, and listen to my excited banter on the way home. I don't remember what I said to you. But I remember you said you liked my shirt.. you said "Tricky threads," and signed my book... rose paper. I wonder now if having a bunch of guys sign their names on rose paper was demasculating... The paper choice was because it is pretty paper and I called myself Heidi Rose when I wrote poetry, and I wanted the book to be something special.

I was with my ex "fiance" when I saw you in St. Louis on one of your first solo tours, if not the first. We actually parked right behind you on the street outside the venue. I met you again. Told you that I was wearing the same shirt that I wore the night I met you in Cincinnati with Toad. You signed my Abulum album "I love you madly, do your laundry..." It still makes me smile. When I saw you in Covington, KY again, my ex "fiance" was with me. He got trashed at the show. I was glowing, a huge smile never leaving my face. Sitting on the floor right in front of the stage singing almost every lyric with you, not very loudly I hope. I met you after the show and again rattled off a bunch of nonsense and had you sign some things. I gave you something that you said you couldn't keep because you would lose it. It was a collage I made. You signed it though. I still have it in my "Ode to Toad." I have everything.

I broke up with my "fiance" for many reasons. One reason was because of how he acted when I was trying to talk to you at the Covington concert. He made me so mad and embarrassed me in front of someone I respect. It had been the end of the relationship long before, but it continued for reasons too complicated to delve into here.

I graduated from the University of Iowa, finally, after six years of being with that idiot I stayed with too long. I met my husband. Obviously married him. I have two kids now. I feel old. When I listen to your music it is sometimes incredibly painful because it reminds me of the most difficult times of my life. Your music helped me through those times. It helped me cry when I needed to cry, helped me smile when I needed to smile, gave me strength when I needed strength. Now I sing "Don't Need Anything" as a lullaby to my children. I do not listen to your music as often as I had before. I spend so much time now watching kids shows and listening to music for kids. But sometimes at work when I have my Ipod on shuffle, one of your songs plays and I have to stop what I'm doing and get lost in it for a few minutes. I may never get to another concert again. I guess I will have to see when my children get older. Lily isn't even two yet and Jonas is only three months old. I have a hard time leaving them for any real length of time.

I really do not know if it means anything to you that I have been a fan of yours this long. Twenty years. I do not know much about you really. I do not delve into your life much. I know you have a family and you love them very much. I know your father died and it was difficult for you. I know you write what I consider to be beautiful, sometimes fun and funny, music/lyrics.

Thank you. This is weird for me to say, I'm certain, but I do not know what I would have done without you.

With much respect,

Heidi
Dear Melodie,

You are my sister and I love you. I respect what you have done with your life and how hard you have worked to have what you have. I know you love your family and you work hard to keep everyone happy. Somehow we have never been that close. I haven't spoken to you in months. I hear what is going on with you through our parents. I wish I knew how to talk to you but when we get a chance to talk I get nervous and anxious. I do not know you well enough. I do not always know what to say. I often feel like you are only trying to tell me what to do and how I should be. I believe that you feel most of my life has been a mistake and you respect me very little. Someday I hope that this will change, and that we can be close and our families can spend time together. As different as we are and even with how many years difference in our ages, I think we can still be friends and sisters. I do hope so.

Love always,

Heidi
Dear President Obama:

I barely participate in politics anymore. Political interactions are maddening and can become diluted with biased nonsense that neither helps nor heals the world in which we live. But your presidency is exciting and I am watching. Everyone is watching so closely. You have become so important to so many people across the world. I want you to succeed. I want you to be the best. I hope for you. I am a citizen of your United States.

I know that you cannot change everything, that you are no Messiah, that you cannot make things perfect. But you have your wonderful wife and children and your eloquence and the support of so many to help you get through the tough times, the tough decisions. Do the right thing. Do what is best. Help heal this USA and make it feel great again.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

Heidi


Here I go...

To whom it may concern:

I have often found myself daydreaming about writing a letter to someone I admire or one that I dislike. Sometimes I find that what I want to say is so inadequate or unnecessary, and overall might just be embarrassing. But sometimes it bothers me enough that I need to write it down. I suppose I decided to make a blog about it because I am torn as to whether what I have to say is important or not and perchance the one the letter I post is intended for will read it some day. If one letter becomes in any way important to at least one of the persons I write "to" here then I suppose that it makes it worth it to write. Already I am beginning to feel silly; it is late at night and here I am thinking of writing a letter that I will never send. Feel free to comment if you'd like. Here I go...

Thanks for reading,

Heidi