Sunday, September 27, 2009

Poetry break...

Even if I break the mirror
It doesn't change my face
Or what I see behind my eyes
No fire escape

Treading water among the sharks
Eating me alive
And I know it's in my head
But still I'm drowning
Can't keep myself afloat
Can't believe in what I see
Because you can't see the memories
Can't hear the voice I hear
Always reminding me
Never free

The jungle path to safety
I avoid it
The barren dusty road I walk
I can see for miles-
No shoes will ever feel better
Can't be anything but me
And it's all that I can do
To try to be enough for you.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Dear Sherry,

I know that it is difficult to decide between the one you love and chose to spend your life with and your blood family. You shouldn't have to. I really do not know exactly what happened to drive this wedge between our family and yours, but I wish that we could resolve it in a way that allows us all to see each other. I think Jeremy misses you, really. He tries to say he doesn't care, but I'm not sure that it's true. If it is my fault that this all happened, I apologize. I have no problem with you, really, and do not mind Diane. I accepted both of you as you are and I would hope you would do the same for us. It is sad that this happened. I hope that in the future we can see each other again. We do only live a few blocks from each other, and I even work with you, though you sit on a different floor in the building. Jeremy has made it clear that I should not try to contact you because he thinks it is up to you to come to us. The last time you came over you did say that you would make an attempt to see us, and we haven't seen you for months now. Maybe this will turn around on its own somehow. I hope so.

With love,

Heidi

Friday, September 18, 2009

Dear Jeremy,

I love you with all my heart. I love our children. I love that it is your children that I carried. I'm so glad that the crazy circumstances of my life and your life brought us together. It was a matter of perfect timing. The only reason I won't send you this letter is because I don't need to since I live with you. So read this sometime.
When I look over all these letters and read about all my former heartache it just fills me and lifts me to know that you are truly my best friend and I feel so lucky to have you. Yes, it's true, I can get frustrated with some of the day to day, and we have our moments of disagreement, but I never lose sight of how lucky I am to have you in my life. We are not perfect. No one is, so they say. But I think that you have made me better. I hope I have made you so as well. This journey that we are on now seems so positive. Before I met you I did not think that would be possible for me. Maybe it is Karma. Maybe I am blessed somehow. Or maybe it is just you.

I love you.

Forever,

Heidi

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Dear Joseph,

Sometimes I get so curious about how others spend their time and live their lives. I have always been so interested with the parts of life that I may have missed somehow or am missing. And so when I talk to people I do try to find out exactly who I am speaking with and try to see how that person is living their life. I got a glimpse of yours. I liked your energy. You are surrounded by mystery, maybe like I am, and have that desire to see what is around us that generally cannot be seen. Of course you had to ruin it at the end of the conversation, but it was going really well at first, and I found myself wanting to speak with you further in a "real" way. Speaking to others we find out about ourselves. The perspective of someone else looking at you can give you insight you would otherwise not have. If we ever speak again, which I hope we do someday (because I think there is still more to learn on both sides of the conversation), let's keep it real, shall we? Get in touch with me someday, somehow, because I have no idea how to reach you. Here maybe. Years later. Or tomorrow.

With respect to who you are,

Heidi

Monday, September 14, 2009

Dear Paula Cole,

I love your voice. Beautiful. Your songs are wonderfully written.
I especially appreciate "I Am So Ordinary" and "Me." I have listened to them over and over again, singing them as best as I can. My range and talent is not nearly in any sense as great as yours, of course. I used to listen to "I Am So Ordinary" because of someone in my life who never became a someone in my life, and I used to cry. Now I do not cry hearing it, and listen to the song reminiscing about old feelings. And "Me" is just a wonderful song that I think many people, and women in particular, can relate to.
Thank you for writing, singing and recording your songs.
Sincerely,
Heidi
Dear Julie Komorowski,

We met in college. You were my closest friend. Maybe my only friend in Iowa really. I found that I had a difficult time finding people to hang out with in Iowa. Not sure why. Maybe my expectations were too high or I was trying too hard. I just expected it to be easy because I thought that it was part of college to meet people. Many people who went to the U of IA knew people who already went there, or roomed with friends from high school. No one from my high school, no one that I knew of from Cincinnati, went to the U of IA. Anyway, you lived in the same dorm as I did and you hated your roommate, so in the second semester since my roommate moved out you moved in. I thought we lived fairly well together. I apparently did not treat you well? I don't know. When you wrote me the summer after our sophomore year and told me that you never thought of me as a good friend, I'm not sure if that was a result of the more recent circumstances or if that was always. You have no idea how much that hurt me. But that was the problem really, wasn't it? I always talked about me. I didn't, you thought, pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. You were right that I talked a lot. I do. Always have. I'm sorry that you took that as me not paying attention. I realize that when you told me you didn't think of me as a good friend, you were hurting because you thought I did not properly acknowledge what you were going through that summer. I know you were having difficulties with your boss and you were stressed. I definitely did not treat you as I should have. True, I was also going through quite a bit, but I should have acknowledged, empathized and sympathized with you. It was wrong of me to be that self absorbed and not treat you as a friend should have treated you. I know that I hurt you as well. I know that it wasn't that you just did not care. That's what I assumed at the time because I was too self absorbed to see past the end of my nose, but I know now that I hurt you. I'm sorry. The only way I really know that I hurt you as well is because when I had asked you to send back the BTE cd I got signed for you (b/c even though you said you would go to the concert with me you bailed the day of and I had to find someone else to drive all the way to Chicago with me) you sent it back scratched and broken, as well as every letter, card and note I had ever given you. The reason I asked for the CD back is because I didn't think you cared, didn't think you liked the music really, and (silliest reason of all) I thought I could make some money from selling it (because I needed money because of my ex, always - jerk). Silly, right? Again, I'm sorry.
I'm not sure we would ever truly be best friends. I was hoping that I could help you come out of your shell a bit. You were so reserved. You were embarrassed to just let loose, which I, at the time, was definitely not. It annoyed me that you were always trying to subdue me, reel me in. I realize I was probably embarrassing to you. Sad, really. I think I was exceptionally interesting at that time. I had the most life in me then. After a few years with Kenny I lost my zest for life. Also, that thing I mentioned before about the concert really bugged me. That was absolutely uncalled for; especially annoying since you went to the Silverchair concert with your friend from Chicago ignoring the reason why you told me you would not go to the BTE concert. I sometimes wish another girl had been in your place because it still hurts me to think about what happened. Maybe things would have worked out differently for me if it had been someone else with a different outlook on life. But even so, I wish we could have been better friends while we had the chance, that I would have better met your expectations of friendship, that you would have met mine.
Hope you are well.
Fondly,
Heidi

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Dear Jenny,

Ever since you came to visit afer Jonas was born and mentioned that you thought Tyson Beckford was hot I decided you need to go on some dates. That's right. It's time to get you out looking for someone to love and someone to love you. I see no reason, if you have the urge, that you should stay home instead of having some nice man take you out on a date. There has got to be some decent human being who would like to date you somewhere. If you are interested then pursue it!! It seems that you may be lonely sometimes. Do something about it! Do I need to find you a speed dating service? Have you thought about eharmony? or chemistry.com? Go, girl, go. Do it now or die an old maid! It is time to do what you need to do for yourself, to grow, to change and stop being a mean, old, lonely woman.

Seriously,

Heidi

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Dear Psychic with whom I will be speaking in the near future:

The reason I want to talk to you is because I am on a soul search. I'm trying to be reconciled with my past, leave it behind, find a new path and head out into the future with a positive outlook. A few things that have been said to me in my life have stuck out and I want to know if they are significant at all. I'm not sure if that is outside the powers of a psychic to know, but from my experience with psychics you might be able to help me figure it out. Three times in my life, though I can only recall the details of two, I have been called "angel" and it seems significant due to the circumstances surrounding those times. Another interesting comment made to me is that I'm "too much in my head." I really have no idea what it means. Did it mean simply that I think too much? that I was overthinking things? Or does it really mean that I'm living in my head and out of touch with reality? That the tangibility of things is escaping me because I am actually located in my head somewhere... Or does it mean anything at all?

When embarking on a journey it is always good to collect as much information about the terrain as possible. Thank you for your help with my research. I look forward to speaking with you.

Hello,

Heidi

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Dear Shawn Kerby,

I don't know if I ever told you this, but the day you came over to my dorm room and I saw you in person for the first time I about dropped my jaw to the floor you were so gorgeous. I was absolutely certain you would have used that information against me somehow so I tried to hide how attracted I was to you. Now I think it may have been the wrong thing to do. I tried to be a little too tough. I tried to hold it all in. Not that we would have had some grand relationship if I had acted differently, but just maybe it would have been better. That night you came over after we hadn't seen each other for a couple years - you were engaged and I was on the cusp of being unengaged - I said I loved you. Granted, I was not in my right mind. But you said you loved me too. I think you may have just said it because I did. I don't know. But if you did, I'm not sure why you would. You saying that made things worse for me emotionally. You were engaged and saying you loved me. That did not make any sense and was probably just a way to get sex on the side, I'm certain. Now I'm not sure that I ever loved you. I was infatuated from the day I met you, certainly, but love? I do remember that after you would leave my room on those few nights or mornings I would see you I would listen to "Live Again" by Better Than Ezra and cry my heart out lying curled up on the floor.

If I had acted differently the day that we met I do wonder if I would have avoided the entire Kenny era of my life, though. When I first saw Kenny he reminded me of you. It could have changed everything, really.

Anyway, I assume you are doing well. Hopefully not a coke head. A dentist. Married? Cute, tow headed, blue-eyed children? It really doesn't matter to me beyond curiosity. When I listen to "Live Again" I have no broken heart, no tears to shed for you. But I do think of you and realize how unimportant you ended up being, when, at the start, you had potential to be more so.

Hello, goodbye,

Heidi

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Dear my truest love,

Are you still out there somewhere? Did I marry you? Are my children your children?
Did I miss meeting you somehow? Is the love I feel now not as strong as what love could be? Maybe I was looking at my feet, at the ground, as you passed me by. Maybe it is best we never did meet because Romeo and Juliet's flame was squelched when their love burned too bright. Maybe we will meet later in life, when I'm close to death and my children are grown, and no one that I have ever loved is still alive. Or maybe you are here with me. Maybe you are who I see everyday. Maybe I haven't missed out on the truest love. Maybe this is like Sense and Sensibility and you are the Colonel I ignored at first because of the intense, flippant love of someone undeserving. (I never ignored you, since I met you, though, to be precise.) In that movie Hancock, the two superbeings could not be together, though their love drew them to each other, or they would die, so the woman superbeing stayed with her mortal husband whom she also loved. I do not want to die, maybe you and I are keeping each other alive. We are the truest loves that each other can have or we will die before our time - like Romeo and Juliet. So if he or she is out there for me, the truer love, then stay away! I am in love enough. I want to be alive for my children, to see them grow, and I want to accomplish more before I die as well. I will risk not being in love to the fullest degree (if that is possible for me, if there is more love than this) to keep what I have because it is more than enough.

Hello, goodbye,

Heidi

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Dear Kennith Evans,

One of the last things you said to me, over the phone, was "You really loved me, didn't you." I was crying at the moment and didn't reply. I want to reply now. No. No I did not really love you. I pitied you. I felt sorry for your place in life and what happened to you prior to our meeting. The relationship was over fairly early. I liked you enough, but not enough to endure what happened throughout the long six years we were "together." I was using you. When I met you I had spent my first semester at the University of Iowa where I had been "minorly" sexually assaulted, lost my best friend, and had my soon to be ex brother in law attempt to strangle me. I was lonely and my life felt tumultuous and I clung to your obvious admiration of me to help me feel better. The guilt I felt about using you and bringing you to Iowa where you got lost in alcoholism and drugs kept the relationship going (not that you wouldn't have been doing similar things at home considering what your friends were doing while you were away) . Then your continual push to keep me feeling guilty did not help. It was a terrible relationship. It was emotionally traumatizing and abusive. You were an awful roommate as well. You spent so much money on partying that we could barely survive, and I had to drop out of school twice simply because we ran out of money and couldn't afford our apartment. I would have been so much better off without you. I thought I could help you, though. I thought that I could help you be a better person, but of course there was nothing I could do. You were an addict. I do not care who says it is not an addictive drug, because with you it was most definitely an addiction. You are probably still doing drugs. You are probably still hardly making enough money to survive. Unless our last phone conversation actually helped. I told you to be honest, and to tell the Jehovah's Witness girlfriend who you knocked up and who had an abortion b/c of you that you did/do drugs. I wonder if you ever did, if she didn't find out first. You ruined my life for six years and it seemed like the pattern was repeating with the new girl. You called me high on coke. And of course the excuse for doing the coke was that you were stressed. There was always an excuse. I'm just glad I wasn't there to see you do it and that we were talking on the phone because I may have hit you.

You asked me to marry you when you visited me at school. I told you on the phone not to ask. I told you I did not want to be married, but you showed up a few weeks later ring in hand kneeling before me. I absolutely had no desire to marry you. None. Did not want to be engaged. Was close to breaking up with you even. I am such an idiot for feeling sorry for you and for feeling I should say yes because of what you had to go through to buy the ring for me since you had no money. I felt sorry for you because you lived in that tiny little awful town and had very little hope for the future. I felt sorry for you because you told your uncle you were going to marry "that girl" when you met me and your uncle scoffed at you because he obviously did not think very highly of you but you idolized him. You wasted the chance I gave you. You wasted the chance you had to make something good out of your life. We could have both risen above, but all you did was drag us both down. I reached rock bottom with you. I gave up on everything I believed in, I gave up on myself. At one point I wanted to die and I thought I would. I thought the depression I was in would actually kill me it hurt so badly. And that's where you wanted me. You told me that day on the phone that you were trying to sabotage my college career because you were afraid I would leave you, that you tried to keep me down because you didn't want me to leave. What a stupid, stupid, stupid person you are. I hate myself for even considering you. You kept me isolated from my family, I felt that they hated me and when I realized I needed out of this mess I thought I had no one to turn to. They didn't hate me. They hated you.

I was punished 10-fold for using you and feeling sorry for you and trying to make you my social experiment; I wanted to see if I could raise you up from the ashes. But you are no phoenix and all that I got from you was continual disappointment and disaster. You have no idea how angry I am at myself for letting it go on so long, for letting you make me give up, for letting you sabotage my college experience and for letting you destroy my life for six years. You were such an embarrassment to me. I couldn't stand to be in public with you. I couldn't stand to introduce you to people. I cannot completely understand why I let it continue so long. It was my greatest mistake.

Granted, because of you I did meet Jeremy who is a good man, a good husband, a good father and I do actually love him with all that I know of love. And I know from the experience with you that I want him with me, and that it is a good thing that I have now. And he reminds me when I again get mad at myself for being with you that he and I would have never met without you completely messing up my original desired path in life. But I won't say thank you. You owe me way too much for me to give you anything, even a thank you.

I cannot say that I hate you. I do not. But if I have to have one regret it would be that I let you control me instead of being who I know I am and getting out of the bad relationship much, much earlier - if I never met you, maybe that would really have been best. Who knows.

I hope your mother is disappointed in you. She wanted more for you as well. She wanted you to rise above.

That's it. I don't even want to sign my name.